you can't relive the past, Gatsby...

yeah. you can't. things change. people change. i don't think that i have changed all that much, but maybe i have. lately, i feel scatter-brained, i've become unaware of things around me. and subsequently, i'm not in control of my universe. yeah, there is a lot going on. but i should be able to take it by the reigns and get the horses under control. instead, i'm climbing to the top of the stage coach, my hat blew off, the ladies underneath are screaming, luggage is strewn under the wheels and left scattered on the road, and the horses are headed to the edge of a cliff.

oh dear.

relationships change. and maybe hesitancy is a bad thing. maybe to dive into something is okay. but it is scary. and i never thought of having that nervousness to this extent, i mean, i fall fast and then something happens, circumstances change and it takes a while to get back. and maybe, as optimistic as Gatsby was, maybe its pointless. but it shouldn't be. i have felt transient for so long. nothing is permanent, i go away, my friends go away. and now i'm here, with the villita. i'm staying. even at that, i am having trouble thinking i will be here, potentially, forever. i've lived here for 6 years. that's awhile. i've worked the same job for nearly 4. i guess, i just am not sure what i should be doing. i mean, i can do little things around the house, laundry and such, i can work and make a pretty catalogue, i can do lots of little things. i guess, that is what is confusing - i'm not sure what i should be doing. maybe that is why the horses are on a crash course.