it's funny

i was reading back on my rants - starting from the beginning... i've really tames shit down from then. but i realized that i really have not written anything thing -- like serously written something... i read this:

it's funny how you lose sight of the earth - well, nature i guess. i was sitting outside and looked at the clouds and watched the sun light the edges. and i listened. an alarm was methodically beeping, a car alarm went off, a paper blew off the table, the birds started chirping, and the wind rustled through the leaves. you forget that kinda of shit when the phone is ringing, people are whining, keyboards are clicking. i though of walking in the Upper Basin and the wind blowing through those trees and those birds flying what seemed to be inches above me head. i thought about peaceful and lonley the land was. how beautiful it was and how, if everything came to an end, i might feel safe there. in part it was the company too, but what if the electric stopped in the city, the water stopped. people would be fucked. i would be fucked, but i think, if everything was to be flattened, that is when people would truly rise to be real humans. conveniences just makes you forget how small you really are and makes you forget how truely beautiful everything is that you are not seeing because you are too busy.

i remember writing that... i don't think my thoughts have changed - but i wonder if i have -- i wonder if i have become more comfortable in things -- when i should not be -- or i let myself slide - or my personality slide - when i should not have - or just because i have become lazy. i feel lazy- well, less disciplined... that is not good... and i don't like that. but then things blow up in my brain - and i feel like everything is out of control - and is as messy as my bedroom - and i cannot see the forest through the trees. new year's resolution -- starts tomorrow... discipline.